Talking
about what you want
Talking with other people can also help you think about what you want.
Talking about these difficult subjects can be the most challenging step in the planning process. While it may seem like you are burdening those around you, you are actually giving them a great blessing. By sharing this information you are empowering them to do what is best for you — to honor your values and dignity.
Mr. Nakamura talks with his daughter…
Kenji Nakamura wanted to appoint his daughter Suzy to be his spokesperson. The first time he tried to talk to her about this, she said, “Dad, we don’t need to talk about this now, look how healthy you are!” The next time she came over, he decided to show her his future medical decisions in writing — Suzy now realized how important this was to him, especially when learning he didn’t ever want machines to keep him alive.
Have you had a conversation with your loved ones?
Who you should talk to
The most important person to talk to is your spokesperson. Speaking to other important people in your life can help prevent future confusion and conflict.
What to talk about
Share who you've chosen as a spokesperson
Once your spokesperson has agreed, you should let your loved ones know that you have chosen a spokesperson and tell them who that person is. This is especially important if your spokesperson isn’t a member of your family. You might say something like this:
I’ve asked [name of the person you’ve chosen] to be my spokesperson in case I need medical care and can’t speak for myself. After careful thought, I feel that [person’s name] is the right person to handle this responsibility.
Also, you should let family and friends know if you filled out a Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care document to legally appoint your spokesperson as your health care agent. You should provide your loved ones with a copy of the document.
Discuss the responsibilities of a spokesperson
When you ask someone to be your spokesperson, it’s a big responsibility for them. You want to make sure you are both comfortable with this and have no doubts.
To start the conversation, you can ask questions like:
I’ve been doing some thinking about who might be able to speak on my behalf regarding my medical care if I can’t speak for myself. Would you consider doing it?
Would you feel comfortable doing this?
Do you think you can make decisions for me that are based on my values, preferences, and wishes, even if they’re different from yours?
If the person agrees to be your spokesperson, you can reassure them that you aren’t expecting them to be “superhuman” or “all knowing.” Tell them they have your permission to make decisions for you. This is especially important for situations that you haven’t discussed or can’t predict.
Life-sustaining treatments
Life-sustaining treatments are medical treatments and interventions that keep you alive for a period of time but will not cure you or make you better. Use the Guide Sheet, “Treatment Decisions” to help you think about and express your views based on different scenarios.
Your beliefs
If you couldn’t speak for yourself, what would be meaningful or important to you? Are there religious or cultural sensitivities and traditions that you want to make sure are honored? Do you want to be in the comforts of home during your last days? The Guide Sheet, “Treatment Decisions” will help you to think and talk about these things so that those around you can help implement your wishes.
Who to contact
You may have specific preferences for certain people you want your health care providers to contact—or not to contact—if you have a medical emergency or a mental health crisis. You can use the Guide Sheet “Who to Contact in an Emergency” to discuss your preferences. This is also a good place to note who you would like to care for things that you value in case of an emergency. For example: who might care for your home, pets, children, etc.
What you want to happen after your death
Many people take comfort in knowing their wishes will be honored after they die. Using the Guide Sheet “End of Life Arrangements” you can think about and document important wishes like where to be buried or cremated. You can also have important conversations with your physician about organ donation and the decision to allow for an autopsy.
How to start the conversation
There is no “right” way or “right” time to start this conversation. Just set a time and see how far you get. It is common to revisit this information in stages. If you find that your spokesperson or loved ones are uncomfortable talking, here are some suggestions:
When family members disagree about your treatment it can be very difficult to make decisions.
Remind them of a situation someone else experienced.
Remind them of a situation someone else experienced.
Be firm and straightforward.
Having trouble getting your thoughts across?
It may be easier to get your thoughts across by writing your loved ones a letter — and/or even recording the letter by audio or video. Afterward, everyone may be more comfortable sitting down and talking.
Take the next step...